We all know how much I love this series, so I won’t even get into that.
Despite being a huge fan of the original Kid Icarus, I had no idea this existed until earlier this year, when the rest of the world started finally giving the fucks this series deserves. I mean, we didn’t have Internets back in the stone age, otherwise, I would have known about Of Myths and Monsters.
What did I play on my old toaster boy? A ton of Tetris, and come 1998, an even bigger ton of Pokemon. All-in-all, my Gameboy certainly got its use. And this particular game, as stated in the title of this article, can be summed up in three words: “Good. Not Great.”
Quick Take: It’s kind of like a bastardized version of the original, with barely any of the original music, and only about 50% of the challenge and fun.
TL;DR Take: Read more behind the cut.
Unlike the first game, we’re given a little plot before we start. Just a little. Angel Land is in trouble! Or, it soon will be. The demons are taking their sweet time invading. Maybe they want to stop at Popeye’s along the way to Skyworld. This convenient plot point gives our hero plenty of time to train and get ready for the attack.
With absolutely no concern for Pit’s safety, as per usual, Palutena sends her little friend to the Underworld to train for this supposed “attack”. And of course Pit is the only one who can save the day, because out of all the much more qualified heroes in Palutena’s army, the only one who can save the day is a shrimpy kid with a shitty bow and arrow, no means of flying on his own, and no pants.
I find this hard to believe.
So, I started up the game, and my first thought is… where the fuck is the music? *shameless self-promotion mode activiated* You know, the title theme, the Underworld theme, and that totally kick-ass Overworld theme? None of it seems to be in this game. But you can listen to my sweet orchestrated versions as you read this review/rant/nostalgia dump/whatever the fuck I do on this blog. *shameless self-promotion mode deactivated*
Anyway, I’m not even sure where you start the game. Some kind of castle or fortress in the Underworld? I guess it’s supposed to be the Underworld. I’m not even sure. Looks more like a stage from Castlevania. Journeying through these castles/fortresses/stages answers all your questions, however.
You’re in 4th Dimensional Hyperspace.
At just the third section of the first stage, I spent a great deal of time moving left, only to notice the exact same platforms every time I walked by. You’re supposed to be finding doors and getting treasure or whatever, but where the fuck are you supposed to go if the stage keeps on scrolling? It’s like being in the Port Authority at midnight when you’re drunk, tired, hungry, and a little high. Good luck finding your bus home. And good luck finding your way out of these stages, Pit.
Generally, everything seems a lot easier in this game as opposed to the much cooler installment on the NES, infuriating stage design aside. Maybe it’s because that reaper theme is missing, but those guys don’t seem to be nearly as big a threat. They go down in a few shots. and the reapettes actually seem really bad at hitting you, unlike in the NES version wherein they rape your face over and over again.
The other thing is you can’t actually fall to your death here. But I liked the possibility of falling to your death in the original game. It made playing a little more intense than it does here.
One good feature I do like is that when Pit jumps downward, you can bash on the A button and have him flap his wings to slow his descent. That’s actually a pretty cool feature.
I think my biggest head-scratching moment comes anytime Pit dies. You see, when our angelic hero is killed on the battlefield, he becomes… an angel? Seriously. He gets a halo and flies away. This is both redundant and non-sensical. Meanwhile, his bloodied and battered corpse drops to the bottom of the stage. I can only imagine how many Pit corpses are littering the bottom of these stages.
So at the request of Palutena, Pit scrambles to re-gather the Three Sacred Treasures, even though he kind of already did that in the last game. Following a series of boring and unremarkable boss battles against a Minotaur, a snake thingy, and some other guy, Pit equips the Three Sacred Treasures (Wings of Pegasus, Arrows of Light, Mirror Shield, and the neat fake mustache that comes with the purchase of a Happy Meal.) Then Palutena gets turned to stone for no reason at all. Or at least it looks like Palutena, I’m not even sure. And who turned her to stone? Our main villain, of course, who is some ugly ug ug demon named Orcos, or Oikos, or something.
It should be noted that our main villain calls Pit a “puny wimp”. That dirty fucking bastard. He’s even meaner than Hades! Not about to take that shit from a second-rate villain in a sort of lame video game, Pit kicks his ass and rescues Palutena.
The ending sequence is where this shit gets even weirder. Finally, though, we hear the original title theme from the NES game! It’s about fucking time. Pit flies up and starts hopping around the screen. I think he’s doing some kind of jig in the air. He passes various monsters who also seem to be dancing on clouds. The reaper does a pretty good job with his dance.
Anyway, Pit gets higher and higher until he reaches the sun, which has the creepiest fucking grin on his face. My guess is that this is Pyrrhon. Upon getting way too close to Pyrrhon, Pits wings fall off. They don’t even melt, they just fall off.
And that’s the end. It can only be assumed that Pit fell to his death, never to be seen again. Or at least never to be seen for another 20 years or so. It must have taken him a long time to grow his wings back.
Stay tuned until 2037, when I review the hugely anticipated Kid Icarus title slated to come out for the Virtual WiiU 64, Kid Icarus: If You Played the Original Then You’re Too Fucking Old To Be Playing Video Games.